Monday, July 23, 2012

Fill Me Up Butter Cup!

Hey y’all.  It took me an abnormal amount of time to decide how to open the first paragraph of the blog this week.  As a writer (I hate the way the phrase “as a writer” sounds as much as you do, by the way), there is a tremendous amount of pressure in the beginning and ending of anything that you write, even if it’s as insignificant as a weekly update on a weight loss journal.  I feel like I often take the easy way out in this blog.  I have got to force myself to make anything I write as dynamic and interesting as possible.  In life, you have to find what you are good at and math and science are out for me.  I can’t talk details about political campaigns or weather patterns.  I can’t sell things.  What I can do, at times, is put words on a page and I want to continue putting words on the page as much as possible.  I’m not just on a weight loss trek; becoming healthy has been a life transformation as well.  Sure, that sounds dramatic but it’s one of the things about my current life that I am absolutely sure of.  My health and weight has played a pivotal part in my motivation in other areas.  It affects everything, including my writing.  So, I’m resolving to be better.  It’s unclear to me whether you had to know that or not but I wanted to tell you.

I started this trend where in addition to my Saturday weigh ins, I also weigh on Friday mornings.  I have decided to stop doing this.  For some reason, I always weigh more on Friday morning than Saturday morning.  Because of this, I spend my Fridays discouraged.  This obsession with the scale is unhealthy.  It turns out that there wasn’t any lasting damage from Six Flags, I’m still around 5 pounds from my lowest weight.  I had some sort of junk/fast food meltdown this weekend so that’s unfortunate but I’m not worried about it.  I think my focus is on the bigger picture at this point.  I need a system that’s right for me.  While I’m figuring that out, I need to do my best. 

I had my high school reunion this weekend which is part of the reason I wasn’t 100%.  I wanted to let loose.  It’s been 10 years since I graduated. I didn’t like high school.  I would even say that I hated it.  It wasn’t the people, necessarily.  Sure, there were a handful of people that made it their goal to make others miserable but I would say there were more good folks than bad.  I just wanted so badly to see what was next.  I always knew that high school wouldn’t be the prime of my life.  If you’ve never been to a high school reunion, just know that they are quite a bizarre experience.  I felt like I was in some sort of alternate world.  On the other hand though, I had a great time.  I got to see genuine change in people and then I got to see some of the same characteristics people had 10 years ago.  Obviously, a major part of my decision to go had to do with the changes that I’ve made physically.  It would be silly for me to pretend that I didn’t want people to get a good look at the new me.  I was called fat a lot in school.  I remember every instance.  It’s funny because looking back, I wasn’t huge and I was possibly a lower weight then but I gained a lot of weight in college and many of these people have seen me regularly since then.  I am also far more confident than I was then.  When it comes to seeing myself nekkid (I spell it that way because it feels right), I get nauseated at the thought and I clearly need to work on that but when I’m all dazzled up and everything is tucked into the appropriate places, I feel pretty dang good about how far I’ve come.  Who knows? Maybe I will even keep in touch with some of the people that I caught up with? Or, maybe I won’t.  Either way, I’m proud of who I am and I am happy to know many of the people that helped shape my adult self.

This week, I am sharing my new obsession, Hungry Girl’s peanut butter milk shake.  If you have a blender, you have to make this.  I insist.  The combination of peanut butter and chocolate is one that has brought me through a lot of tough times.  Obviously, there isn’t much room for those two ingredients when you’re on a diet.  Also, when I see a blender in a recipe, I usually disregard it because I’m lazy.  I don’t want to get it out and then clean it but I’ve done it over ten times since the first time I made it.  It has also inspired me to try other low fat shakes and if I ever do, I’ll let you know how those turn out.  I would prefer it to have more peanut butter but since that is fattening, the little bit that does go in there gives it enough of a trace of peanut butter to taste.  I always say that if you can find something that makes you feel like you’re cheating, that’s great.  That’s all I have today.  Have a great week! Adios!

“I don’t wanna be the girl that has to fill the silence
The quiet scares me ‘cause it screams the truth
Please don’t tell me that we had that conversation…” Sober-Pink (I love Pink)

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