Breaking Free (or trying to)

Almost 6 years ago to the day, I walked into Weight Watchers because I was scared.  I was scared for my health and my future.  With each pound I lost, I was scared that I would gain it back.  Over the years, I had lost over 115 pounds.  That was 3 years ago.  Since my lowest weight, I've fluctuated but I've put on around 20 back.  I have lived my life in a way that is driven by food and fear.  I was most successful on Weight Watchers but I am totally burned out on counting.  I can't just go to a restaurant or store without meticulously worrying about what I'm going to eat.  If I'm "being good," I feel like I'm missing out, if I'm "being bad," I binge until I'm physically ill.

I am terrified of not being on a diet because I'm terrified of gaining weight.  Why is that? Perhaps I didn't feel like I had self-worth when I had 100 extra pounds.  I find people's reaction to my before and after pictures to be jarring at times.  I put myself out there in a public forum so I should be prepared to talk about my weight loss but it's funny because when people approach me face to face about the blog, I cringe.  I want it to stop immediately.  It's because I am not always a picture of perfection.

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine was discussing my before and after picture and like many people she couldn't hide her astonishment at the difference.  I'm used to getting "you've lost a ton of weight" or "I didn't even recognize you."  What she said was, "don't take this the wrong way but you weren't sexy then.  You're sexy now." I know her and I know she didn't mean harm but I haven't been able to shake it.  I can be sensitive but I come from an open and honest family so I have pretty thick skin when I need to but I think this bothered me so much because it's a fear that I have. I often associate self-worth with how fat I feel at the time.  I'm a college instructor with a masters degree and my whole entire idea of worthiness stems around how big my belly is at the moment.  Sometimes I feel like I wasn't a real person when I was significantly overweight.  Society certainly treated me that way.  I treated myself that way.

I ordered some self help books a few months ago on binge-eating and anxiety which are both problems I have (I'm realizing more and more that they go hand in hand) and they've been collecting dust.  I decided to pick up the book I bought, "Breaking Free from Emotional Eating" by Geneen Roth because I have been more depressed about weight than ever.  Ian and I were going out the other night and I put on a dress that I typically love and I caught a glimpse in the mirror and immediately burst into tears.  I thought I looked pregnant and hideous.  Ian of course told me (as he does often) that he thinks I'm beautiful but as we can all relate, it doesn't really matter if you feel gross.  That same night another friend complimented my dress and necklace.  My immediate reaction was to call myself a disgusting cow.  The words came out before I could stop them.  I could tell she was uncomfortable because who wouldn't be?

There are lots of things that shape the image you have of yourself.  For me, I know that while I was an average sized child, I was called fat my whole life because I wasn't skinny.  Various family members and friends have made comments since I can remember.  Some have been subtle, some not so subtle.   I have been aware of my weight my entire life.  I think of food and/or how I look constantly.  I am completely imprisoned by my thoughts about weight.

Two days ago I picked up this book and opened it and spent the first several chapters sobbing.  Someone gets it.  I know there are thousands of people that can relate but her arrangement of words and in-depth knowledge has been so eye-opening for me.  We live in fear and that's why we binge or hide food.  If we are on a diet we are terrified of cheating on the diet in fear we will gain weight.  If we do cheat, we are afraid we need to stock up on food like pizza since it may take awhile to get it again which is why we eat a whole pizza.

I have decided to go diet free for awhile.  Ultimately, the goal is to eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm satisfied.  This may mean I will mess up but I have to be OK with that and realize that I'm human.  This won't be an easy task.  In fact, I was totally terrified today (my first day).  She says, "The only thing stronger than fear was the desire not to live in fear for the rest of my life."  Not having structure is agonizing for me.  The same is also true for a rigid dieting system at this point.

I have written in my planner "NO CHEATING!" I have reminders about weight and exercise written all over my daily calendar. When I fail, I can see it right there in black and white.  I am not exaggerating when I say that over the past 3 years, when I've gained weight or binged, I have 100% hated who I was inside and out.  This is not a healthy pattern.

So, she encourages a few things that I'm going to try.

1. ) Eat what you want when you're hungry and stop when you're satisfied.  The good news is, I know how to eat healthy and I like healthy foods but over the years I've restricted myself in certain areas, which has caused me to binge on things like fruits and cheese which are fine in moderation.
2.) Stop relying on the scale.  I'm going to give myself a break on the scale because it's not healthy to allow a machine to dictate your entire day.  She warns that you may gain weight the first week or two and that you may fluctuate and that while it's scary, you have to trust yourself and stop beating yourself up.  I can always tell by my clothes if I'm gaining weight.  I'm not saying I'll never weigh again but I have an unhealthy relationship with the scale right now.  When I feel that seeing a number won't send me into a reeling depression, I'll weigh then.
3.) Stop eating while standing up.  I've been diet free for one day and I've noticed myself eating standing up 4 times.  She encourages you to sit and enjoy your food, put the fork down in between bites and examine the taste.
4.) Be OK with not finishing your plate.  Many of us have grown up with the "clean your plate" mentality.  If you're satisfied, you should stop eating.  When I'm dieting I eat everything on my plate because "I counted it" and when I'm binging I eat everything because I can't stop until I'm sick.  I tried this today and I left bites at breakfast lunch and dinner.  For dinner I ate in 3 shifts. I was trying to listen to my body so I only ate when I felt hungry.  I also ate healthy all day.  She encourages eating what you want but I'm still scared.
5.) Quit beating yourself up and letting the judgments of others (or the thought of other people judging you) effect you.  I am notorious for hating myself for eating certain things. Roth argues that if you eat what you want, you'll be satisfied with a normal amount of food (like pizza) because you could always have it tomorrow too if you want it that bad.  If you say you can never have pizza, you feel the need to stock up on it so you binge on it.  I am also going to stop using exercise as a reward/punishment system.  I end up working out over 2 hours so I can feel OK about one drink or a taco or I don't exercise at all because I'm so burned out and I eat everything in the house.  I'm still going to schedule some exercise but I'm not going to force myself to run 5 miles if my body isn't up to it.

I don't know if this will work.  I'm not saying I'll never diet again but I'm going to start being easier on myself.  I want to put less pressure on myself and get rid of all the structure.  I've been on this diet roller coaster since I was a kid.  I know how to eat now and what's good for my body.  I also know leniency is important in moderation.  I have to trust myself.  It may take me awhile to get there but I have to try. I am still going to make recipes and make it my goal to trust myself and be good to my body.  Of course I will update you on all of this.  I would love to know if any of you struggle with the same things.  I highly encourage you to read this book!

I know this is a bit of a transition but despite the emotional turmoil of being someone trapped by body image, I had an amazing week.  Ian and I got the experience of a lifetime when we were allowed to pet penguins and sea otters at the Georgia Aquarium.  We had a great weekend!

Until next time y'all...

Head in the Clouds

Hey y'all.  I hope your Monday is treating you right so far.  I've become that annoying person who forgets what day it is during the summer.  I woke up thinking it was Saturday.  I've been so lazy the past couple weeks.  I have been exercising 5-6 days a week still but it's nothing like my normal regimen and I've been eating everything in sight.  I plan on getting back in the game on Thursday and then having a perfect week next week.  I am weighing on 5/30 to see what the damage of birthday month has done.  I'm ready to get back to business.  I'm going to start being more productive next week.  I have convinced myself that I have earned a little sloth time but that's over within the next couple days.  My clothes are tight, I have an extra chin and I'm lethargic all the time and I don't like it.  It's amazing what a couple weeks of yummy fattening food can do to someone.  Ian and I are headed to Atlanta this afternoon because we are making a trip to the Georgia Aquarium tomorrow to meet a penguin.  I'm so excited!

The only recipe I have to show you today is called "Eggs in the Clouds."  I saw these on Pinterest and found a recipe.  I usually shy away from anything that requires stiff peaks because I attempted to make an angel food cake one time from scratch and it was a disaster but I decided to give it another shot.  I eat a lot of eggs so I thought this would be a nice departure from my typical over medium style egg breakfast.  My only mistake was thinking that I could obtain stiff peaks by hand.  There were folks in my apartment that were sleeping so I tried to whisk them by hand and after several minutes of whisking to no avail, I gave up and got out the hand mixer.  Within less than a minute, I had the stiff peaks I was looking for.  At that point, you just pile up the egg whites on a cookie sheet (that is sprayed with Pam) and add the yolk you separated from the whites in the beginning to the center.  Before I added the whites to the pan, I folded in some pizza seasoning for flavor.  It didn't take long for it to brown and turn into the "Eggs in the Clouds." I wouldn't do this every morning because it adds about 10 minutes to your routine but it was nice for a change and tasted yummy.  I served it with bacon.  I would definitely recommend this recipe.

I wanted to share a new snack that I found.  These are dried coconut chips.  If you like coconut, you will love these.  They are just crunchy, thin pieces of coconut that have been toasted.  They are a nice balance of sweet and natural and the nutrition facts aren't too bad either.  Try and find these at your local grocery store (I got mine at Target) and you won't regret it!

I had a wonderful birthday week.  Thanks to everyone who made it special.

I'm sure I will have details and pics from the penguin trip next week.

Until next time...

The Little Things

Hi everyone. Monday is here again.  I have decided to postpone stepping on the scale until 5/30.  I have been a lazy bum who eats everything in sight for the past several days. Today has been a bit better and I finally went to the gym this morning but things won’t get totally back to normal until next week. This week is my birthday and I’ve planned a multitude of cheat meals which is pretty normal for me.  I’ll have a few weeks of work cut out for me when birthday week is over to get off this May weight.

It’s summer time and one way to make a quick lunch is to stuff your favorite ingredients inside a giant piece of lettuce.  The lettuce is light and almost no calories and provides a light alternative for bread.  I made these tasty treats super quickly.  They are BLT roll ups. I don’t like tomatoes so I used sun dried instead.  All I did was add a bit of light mayo, bacon and sun dried tomatoes and rolled them up.  They were a low cal, slow carb friendly treat.

Eating at fast food places is difficult (especially when you are doing without carbs).  You may already know this but there are two places that have options for you. The first is Chick-Fil-A.  They have grilled chicken nuggets which are delicious, low in calories.  You also have the option to get fruit as a side if you want a combo.  Also, Bojangles has roasted chicken bites that you can get with green beans.  Of course, it comes with a biscuit that you’ll have to toss or give your boyfriend but it’s a nice option for a quick dinner.  It’s especially convenient for me because there’s one right by my house.

Finally, I went 3 or 4 days with no physical activity which is unusual for me and always eliminates my motivation.  I decided to start a 30 day challenge that I’ll do in addition to my regular workouts.  It’s only a few minutes out of my day and hopefully it will be a nice small goal to motivate me.  Some other folks I know in a Facebook group are also doing it and that always helps too.  I’m going to be exercising all week but I plan to go even harder next week.

I didn’t go to Atlanta this past weekend as planned because my friend Cassandra’s father passed away.  As my mother said, Cass is more than a friend, she’s family so I’m heartbroken for her and ask that you send good vibes to her and her family during this difficult time.  They are experiencing some financial difficulties so if anyone has any interest in helping out, please let me know.  Other than that, thank you for any thoughts and prayers that you can provide.  This will be a tough road ahead for all of them. 

My penguin trip will be the 19th now so that will be a fun time to look forward to!

Have a good week!

Until next time...

Variety Hour

Hey y'all! I want to give an early Mother's Day shout out.  Happy Mother's Day to all of you out there and a special Happy Mother's Day to my mom! Thanks for all you do.  I don't have a great transition so I will just get right to it. I decided not to weigh this weekend.  There was too much going on and I didn't feel like being disappointed.  I ate too much this weekend of course but I exercised like crazy.  I may not weigh the next week or two and just see where I'm at the last week in May but I'm not sure.  I had a great time celebrating a number of things this past weekend and this week will be no different.  Tomorrow is Cinco de Mayo and this weekend I'm headed to Atlanta to go to the aquarium to meet a penguin! Also, Mother's Day is Sunday night.  THEN, the next week is my birthday.  What I'm saying is, my plan is to be good a majority of the time but weight loss is out of the question over the next couple of weeks.  I'm having a good day so far.  I ran 5 miles and had a salad for lunch but I'm making no promises.  We will just see where I'm at around the end of May.  This month is always hard and I'm fine with that because it's such a fun month.

The first recipe this week was delicious and fancy (for me) and it gave me an opportunity to cook in my new cast iron skillet.  It's Balsamic Pork Chops with vegetables.  I like this because it has a bit of a rustic feel to it.  You chop the potatoes (they were for Ian) and onions in big chunks so it doesn't take long.  I microwaved the potatoes a few minutes prior to baking them to ensure they were done.  All you do is create a balsamic sauce that includes balsamic vinegar, tomato paste and some spices and pour some over the vegetables while they bake and then some over the whole dish when it's done.  You get the skillet nice and hot and sear the pork chops on either side then set them on a plate.  You then pile the veggies in and bake them for awhile, then add the pork towards the end.  I ate all the mushrooms and onions and Ian ate the potatoes (I also served his with bread and mach & cheese.  I served mine with wine)  When it's done you top with parsley.  I would have liked some of the pork to be a bit more tender but overall the dish had great flavor and was pretty easy to make.

The next recipe is perfect for a healthy summer lunch.  I microwaved some asparagus then added spices to it and let it broil for a few minutes to get crispy.  While that was going on, I mixed together the low fat olive oil and vinegar dressing I have with dijon mustard to make a sauce.  I peeled a couple leftover Easter eggs (I made this several weeks ago) and heated up some bacon.  When the asparagus was done I added it to a plate, poured on the dressing, crumbled the bacon and added the eggs.  It had a lot of flavor because of the dressing and the protein made for a filling dish.  This was simple and fast and I would most definitely make it again.

Finally, I had a craving for a burger and had quite a few calories left so I threw together a bread-less hamburger/hot dog meal.  I used one turkey patty, one burger patty, bacon and a fried egg to make a giant double burger wrapped in lettuce.  I also made a hot dog with a lettuce bun.  Finally, I cut up a cucumber to resemble a fry shape and called them "cucumber fries."  I was reaching here but when all was said and done I had a huge plate of food and satisfied my need for a burger.

I hope you all have a great week. I'm sure I will have lots to report next week!

Until next time...

Burned Bacon Edition

Hey everyone! I'd like to first wish my parents an early Happy Anniversary! On Friday they will have been married 33 years.  Kudos to them because that is a long time to live with anyone!

I also wanted to wish Jordan a happy early birthday! He turns 30 on Sunday and I'm so excited to celebrate with him all weekend! You are an amazing person and even better friend! I hope your weekend is perfect! 30 isn't so bad!

When I weighed this past weekend I was down .2 which essentially means I saw no change in my weight.  I found this unsurprising because I wasn't perfect the week before.  I was perfect all week until yesterday and things got a little slippery.  It wasn't too bad though.  I'm going to work hard to maintain the next few weeks but I don't see a whole lot of potential for losing weight.  I've got a concert on Thursday, Jordan's birthday weekend, Cinco de Mayo, a trip to Atlanta on Mother's Day weekend and my own birthday.  I just need to do my best not to go crazy and make sure that I mind my p's and q's when I can and keep exercising! May is always a tough month but I'd rather have to work off a few pounds than not have the fun times.

I have a tendency to burn turkey bacon.  I'm not sure why this is but I've convinced myself that I like it burned so when it happens it's no big deal.  I'm providing two recipes that my burned turkey bacon made complete.  Of course, if you decide not to burn your bacon, they'll still be good.  The first is a nice little appetizer.  All I did was take the bacon and make little guacamole sandwiches.  This would be a perfect, healthy treat for a cocktail party.  The combination of guacamole and bacon tastes great and I'm not sure there's an easier recipe.

The next recipe has to be one of my favorite things I have ever made.  It's slow carb friendly, easy and takes a typical recipe up a notch.  I made sriracha deviled eggs.  I cheated and bought eggs that were already hard boiled so that made the recipe even quicker but it's not hard to boil eggs.  I cut the eggs in half, gutted the yolk and combined it with low fat mayo, sriracha sauce, garlic powder and salt.  I stuffed the eggs with the mixture and crumbled up the bacon on top.  It gave the deviled eggs a kick and I loved it! I will most definitely make it again.

If you're like me, sometimes you're up after hours and hunger strikes.  If you have no food at home there are very few options out there that won't make you feel guilty in the morning.  Taco Bell is a place that I only crave after I leave the bars.  The problem is if you get what you want at Taco Bell, you might rack up over 1,000 calories before you're satisfied.  Taco Bell has taken strides to offer healthier options.  If you're on the slow carb diet you pretty much have to eat a taco salad (no rice or dairy) without eating the shell or order black or refried beans (again without any cheese).  If you allow yourself carbs, they also offer the fresco menu.  Having two tacos from that will make you feel way better about yourself in the morning than the quesadilla and potato combination I like to get.  Wendy's is also open late and has salad options.  If you are on a low or slow carb diet, the absolute best option at Wendy's is their chili.  It tastes pretty good, fits the diet and it's super filling.  Unfortunately, the one by my house is often out of chili late at night but hopefully your Wendy's is better.  Honestly, I get chili at a lot of lunch spots too.  It's a bit caloric but like I said it's a filling way to get protein and flavor.  I recommend the chili at both Jason's Deli, McAlister's and Newk's.  Finally, Hardees is open late at night and they have low carb burgers and sandwiches! This is great because you can eat a fast food burger and even though you may miss the bread, you get to enjoy the other elements.  The best option is to have food at home that you can prepare quickly so you spend less money and calories but trust me I get it, sometimes you have to have 4th meal.

Pictures and more recipes to come next week! Have a good one!

Summer is Coming

Hey y’all.  It’s my last week of teaching for the semester which means everything is a bit crazy right now.  The silver lining is that by the end of next week I will have all of my grading done and posted.  It’s just a matter of pressing through.  Then it will be summer time and I will have so much free time and I have a feeling I’m going to have a love/hate relationship with that time. When I weighed this week I had lost the 2 pounds I had gained from the couple of weekends around Easter that I ate too much so I was happy about that.  I went a bit rogue on Saturday and Sunday this week but I have done worse in the past.  I worked out so much that I was too lazy to go in yesterday but I kind of felt like my body needed a “do nothing” day because I haven’t had one in a while.  This week will be tough with the stress of trying to get everything done but I’m most concerned about the summer.  When I am just sitting around the house, all I want to do is eat.  Hopefully I will find other things to occupy my time.  Anyway, I want to have a couple perfect weeks where I eat right and don’t create loopholes and I exercise like crazy.

Since it’s almost summertime the produce section is looking a bit brighter.  Cucumbers are good because they are good for you and super low in calories because you are basically eating water.  They also serve as nice little vessels for food.  You could use the slices to make little sandwiches or you could make tiny boats out of them.  This recipe is super simple and perfect for a summer lunch.  If I’m going to have meat in a can, I much prefer it to be chicken but I had tuna so I used it.  All I did was mix tuna, light mayo and a bit of the guacamole dip to add a kick and another layer of flavor and spread it out among several slices of cucumber. It’s not much but it’s filling and flavorful.

I hate red tomatoes but I love fried green tomatoes.  Since I can’t batter and fry the tomatoes, I like to sauté them up in the skillet.  I spray the pan with Pam and add a lot of spice to the tomato and crisp them up in the pan.  I try to cut the slices as thin as possible.  Green tomatoes are available right now and I just like them because they are tart.  I also added some mushrooms and served them with a side salad. Again, it’s a nice light summer lunch.

Since it’s summer and I live in Alabama, it’s time to start thinking about shorts and swimsuits.  I don’t wear shorts because they have always ridden up but I’d love to find a pair that were made for more curvy girls.  Also, shopping for swimsuits is totally depressing and I’ve had the same one for about five years so I have to buy a new one to wear this summer.  I was informed of some shorts a couple weeks ago from Lane Bryant that are for working out and supposedly don’t ride up.  I’d love to try them but they are $50 so it may be awhile. I included the link to them below. If other people have suggestions on active wear for curvy ladies, I’d love to have them.  The heat in the south is unbearable during the summer months.  It would be nice not to have to wear pants.  I also included a link to swimsuitsforall which is a site with bathing suits for all shapes and sizes.  Some of them are cute which is hard to find.  Companies tend to not make cute bathing suits for bigger women.  I’d also love suggestions for swimwear.  I’ve gotten a few links but if someone else has ideas, I’d love to hear them.  I’ve also looked at Wal-Mart and Kohl’s who have a few lower priced suits that aren’t bad.

http://www.lanebryant.com/plus-size-active/active-pants/20233c20911/index.cat

http://www.swimsuitsforall.com

I hope you all have a wonderful week!

Wish me luck getting through the end of the semester.

Until next time...

Taco Night

Happy Monday y’all! I’ll jump right into things because I have grading and lesson planning up to my elbows.  I will start by saying the good news is I had a perfect diet week! I really to the term “cheat meal” to a whole new level last night because my mom made an amazing dinner but I stayed within my limits and I’m super proud of that.  I’m hoping to do a repeat this week.  I weighed this weekend and even though I had two bad weekends in a row, I was up less than two pounds.  My goal is to get those off this week.  I have to say, I’ve been really going at it in the gym.  I worked out 6 days last week and each day was between an hour and a half and two hours.  I’m not trying to brag.  My only point is that it isn’t all about food.  I have to work extremely hard not to gain weight.  It’s a frustrating and never ending fight but I’m still in it. 

I will cook for Ian sometimes but he’s an incredibly picky eater so it’s hard to make food acceptable for both of us.  I usually make what I’m going to make and add to his to make it tolerable for him. (I’m super nice.)  A couple weeks ago we had “taco night.”  I made it with ground chicken which shaves off fat and calories off the jump.  I made a nice pile of meat, refried beans, lettuce, salsa, onion, olives and a guacamole dip for my taco salad.  First, the guacamole dip is just OK.  I love guacamole but its shelf life is incredibly low and I’m the only one eating it so I tried the dip.  I’m sure it’s full of processed crap because it has a far off expiration date so I’m probably not even supposed to eat it but it added a nice little kick.  It’s not my favorite thing ever and I probably won’t buy it again but I’ll find uses for it.  When Ian fixed his plate (also pictured), he had tortillas, shredded cheese, queso and chips to choose from so he was happy.  Taco night is so simple and quick and you can make it healthy or you can fatten it up a bit to make other people you’re cooking for happy too.

In a round 2 recipe fashion, I used the leftover chicken for breakfast the next morning.  I fried up a couple eggs and served it on the side.  I topped it with salsa and it made for a nice, “brunchy” dish. 

Finally, I was at the end of my groceries again the other day and it was one of those “throw anything I can find in a skillet” recipes.  I just added some green beans, onion and turkey sausage.  I spiced it up nicely and had a filling, hearty lunch for under 400 calories.  Y’all need to look in your cabinets before you proclaim you “have no food” because you can pretty much put anything in a skillet with spices and call it dinner.

That's all I have this week.  The semester is winding down so for the next couple of weeks it will get worse before it gets better.

A-Day is this weekend so we get a bit of a taste of football season in the spring and that's always fun.

Roll Tide!