Once an over-eater, always an over-eater. Much like alcoholics, there is no pill or quick fix for my addiction. Things can improve and the urges to binge simmer down a bit but on the inside, I am always thinking of food. It is the basis of my thought process. What is my next meal or snack? Today is a bad day. There is a birthday party at work today and the menu includes: sausage balls, cocktail weenies, chips, salsa, a cheese jalapeño dip, corn dip, a shrimp and cheese ball, crackers, birthday cake and mini-red velvet cakes dipped in white chocolate. My contribution included veggies, hummus, fruit and Baked Tostitos. So, I filled my plate with carrots, broccoli, grapes, a couple strawberries, some Baked Tostitos, and salsa. In order not to have a temper tantrum in front of God and everybody, I also filled two wheat thins with two of the different dips and had one of the mini-red velvet cakes (they are about the size of a grape). Despite my probable, slight underestimation of points, I think I did pretty well and I was satisfied until about 2 seconds after I ate the last grape.
I’m not hungry. That’s not the problem. I don’t eat for mere sustenance. The fact that all those foods are back there is almost impossible to deal with. I can’t get my mind off of it and have literally almost teared up a couple of times. The cake is probably the hardest challenge. I am going to a child’s birthday party Sunday (cheat day) so I know I can have some then but that doesn’t seem to be providing any comfort at this point. You may not understand how I feel but would you understand if I were a crack head and I told you that they displayed a table of narcotics 5 feet away from my desk? Maybe that will provide a better prospective. I know that some people would tell me to just have the freaking cake. It’s just one piece. I have struggled with my weight my whole life. I didn’t get to this place by having one piece of cake every once in a while. I’m not trying to be emotional, although Sarah McLachlan is playing in my headphones (that may explain the whole thing), I just wanted to share a real experience. Hopefully, I will stay away from the table that plagues me. In fact, I know I will. I CAN stay away…I just may have to take an early lunch. Ok…Missy Elliott just came on…I guess I should restart my blog now and see if it has a different tone…but I’m not.
Tonight is trivia night. I look forward to that and could probably eat a little more today if I weren’t going to that but I chose the good food tonight. If I let myself slide on the stuff here, I will graze all day.