Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Nervous Habits

If it is considered a nervous habit, I probably do it. I think that I get it from my Dad but you can often find me chewing pens, popping my knuckles, bouncing my leg and I even get a nervous twitch in from time to time. All of those things are far less disgusting than my oldest past time…chewing/biting my nails & fingers. I also get this from my father. He would always keep my nails clipped as a little girl and eventually I started biting them off so it was no longer necessary to clip them. So, I would say I’ve been biting my nails for at least 20 years. I know people that have stopped including my Mom and my friend Jordan but I mean…I’m already exercising AND giving up the food I want…what am I supposed to do? The quick of my nails is almost always exposed and I often have to remove puss from my infected fingers (gross I know). I chew the skin around the nail so they hurt as well. I realize that there are a ton of germs under my nails and it’s a miracle I don’t have some sort of bacterial disease by now. So, I have TRIED to stop biting them. I had two nails that I could actually see the white of and it was just miserable trying not to bite them. I would chomp down and then yell inappropriate slurs at myself and reluctantly put the nail down. I decided to buy some junk that helps them grow. It’s like a clear polish. First, I can’t paint nails…I always paint my whole finger and I have man hands anyway so I never bother. I figured that you couldn’t see my mistakes with the clear. Let me just say it looks like I went hand first into a Slip ‘N Slide of baby oil…my freaking nails glimmer in the light. I have been applying the daily coat it says to and I SWEAR they haven’t grown at all. I want to bite them off so bad. I’ve had fake nails twice before and BOTH times all of them were chewed off by the end of the night. As far as I can tell…the crap isn’t working…if anything…it looks like they’ve stopped growing. I’m just glad that nails aren’t any calories (OK that was cheap but I considered it to be a knee slapper).
I hope I didn’t forget to mention that I won’t always be talking about food. I mean despite what I believe most people think, I am not ALWAYS thinking about food…I mean 98% would probably be a fair estimate. As a healthy person (and I am speaking for myself) there are times when I feel like people are always thinking that I shouldn’t be eating. “I know she didn’t just order food…I mean my God will she EVER be full.” OR “Yah…she WOULD order the fries instead of a baked potato.” I could be wrong about this but being the type of person that pre-judges, I don’t feel like I am. I even feel that way now when I order a chicken salad with fat free dressing like they think I’m trying too hard or thanking the heavens that I am ordering lettuce because it looks like I’m 3 tater tots away from cardiac arrest. I guess I am just paranoid. The truth is that even though I am self-conscience, I really don’t care what people think but it is annoying when most servers look like they came from the freaking Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition and you’re all “Can I have steamed broccoli?”
Anyway, I don’t guess any of that was very encouraging. Here’s something else…I had a VERY sore throat this morning so I didn’t get up to exercise and now I feel so bad about that I’m going to have to figure something out. I am beginning to hate exercise. I always get to this place. I wish I were one that enjoyed it but…I’m not…don’t worry…I’m not ready to quit or anything…I don’t have the money to replace the clothes I’ve thrown away. I am still motivated…just tired today.

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