Thursday, September 24, 2009

Sometimes, you just feel fat

I am happy to report that my mother was feeling better before they left yesterday and my parents made it safely to Atlanta. They are probably in the air still on their way to Boston, Massachusetts so I pray for their continued safety and fun! I got to sleep in their bed last night and forgot what a room with windows was like in the morning. Maybe I should move to Alaska in the winter...there is nothing worse than being woken up with the sun in your eyes. That’s the best part about my little nook of a room. It always looks like midnight in there. Also, I forgot that the aging Springer Spaniel living in the house has taken on the hobby of crying...for no reason...all the time. So, maybe I will be used to it tonight.
It’s interesting because as overweight person (and maybe this is just me), I often feel fat for really stupid things. I think I have talked about this before but sometimes even the mere act of ordering food makes me self conscious sometimes. My mother and I are known for spilling things on our shirts while we eat. The fact that I spill food often probably has nothing to do with my weight, although I do wonder if it’s because I am in such a hurry to get the fork to my mouth, but I still feel fat when it happens. If you’ve ever walked around in public with a giant barbecue stain on your white t-shirt, you would understand. Another thing that I am known for is falling. I am extremely clumsy and have fallen in the most awkward, embarrassing situations. Last year, at a birthday party, there was a giant foam pit to jump into. For some reason, I thought it a bright idea to wear WHITE sweat pants. So, I go to jump in and I am buried in foam and you have to essentially SWIM out of it...it took TWO people struggling to drag me out of this pit and when they finally did...all I could do was sprawl out on the floor, borderline dead hoping to God they weren’t filming. They were. Later that SAME night...I walked into their carport which was wet from a water fight and my foot slipped and I flew in the air and landed on my butt. Both of those instances combined with the fact that I was probably at my very heaviest did not lead to the greatest self esteem boost. Oh! I have another good one...I had foot surgery in 2005 and my Great Grandmother died and I was on crutches during her funeral. As I hopped through the parking lot up to the funeral my crutches slipped on the pavement and I tumbled to the ground...crutches, cast and all. Regaining my dignity and whipping out the temporarily handicapped card...I got up to go again. I got about 2 feet before I fell AGAIN...same way. This time, I just laid there...watching the funeral director show me how to use crutches. Nobody has forgotten that little gem. Most recently, I went to use a chair to get something from my brother’s closet. My Dad warned me not to use the chair because it was broken but I did anyway and AS I was standing on it...it just...collapsed underneath me. So...I fall a lot and inevitably, I feel like a beluga whale every time. It could have nothing to do with my weight...but I fall a lot...and I fall HARD. I don’t think I am alone in this. Sometimes the weirdest things can make us feel bad about ourselves. I have mostly gotten used to my clumsiness now and I rarely get embarrassed anymore even if I’m tripping in front of my boss up the stairs or rolling down the hill in my neighborhood when I walked after it rained.
OK- Tonight is the premier of Grey’s Anatomy AND Private Practice and I am SO excited. It feels like it’s been forever since they’ve been on and I can’t wait to see who dies on Grey’s even though I think I already know and also what happens to Violet on Private Practice. I am so glad TV is back but honestly, it’s probably NOT a good thing. I have to mail a completed thesis this weekend and with TV, hair appointments, eating, working and sleeping...my schedule is pretty full. Just kidding, I’ll make time. I always do.

1 comment:

  1. I can completely relate to this! I feel judged when I order food or people see me eat, and especially when I spill something on me...I just hate it!

    Also, I'm very excited about TV tonight but I hate to be the one to break some bad news to you. Private Practice won't be on tonight--it premieres next week. Tonight Grey's is 2 hours.

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