Today is Monday and it’s very...manic...for a lack of a better term. I am still hustling to finish things for school and the hardest part has been the strict formatting that my school requires of my thesis. Microsoft Word has proved to be not entirely easy to use in regards to Tables of Contents and page numbering that isn’t “normal.” I know that there are ways to do the things I need to get done but I have asked highly appropriate people and they can’t help me either. I am close to a solution...albeit a very inconvenient solution.
My mother made Japanese stir fry last night complete with shrimp sauce and chocolate cake so it was another successful cheat day. I didn’t exercise this morning because I stayed up late watching the Emmys so at lunch I did crunches and lifted weights and I plan on exercising when I get home from work. I can definitely tell that I am more sleepy and grouchy when I don’t follow through with the normal exercising, then showering routine in the morning...plus...it’s just more convenient to get it all over with before I come to work.
So, I am the kind of person who has a crush most of the time. Mostly, these crushes are based on the personality and availability of the person. I am not the most confident girl in the world when it comes to approaching guys and I am sure it has something to do with my weight. I am really ready to go on a date. I won’t say how long...but it has been awhile since I have had someone besides my family pay for my dinner. I am picky but I think that I am a good catch and I believe that I shouldn’t settle for just anyone. This has all recently come to a head in my mind when my GRANDMOTHER mentioned e-harmony to me at lunch a few weeks ago. First, I had no idea that she would even know what that is let alone suggest it to her 25 year old granddaughter. Second, I hardly think that I can be considered a spinster yet. I wasn’t offended but it did open up the already salty wound I have from being single. I am very independent and most days I don’t even notice but I can’t help wanting to vomit and spit on those in happy relationships. I have always said that I would try and find someone when I lose weight. Well, I’m 25 and I still haven’t reached the weight (or even close to it) that I would want to be to feel confident in approaching a guy. Today (I say today because it could all change tomorrow) I have decided that I shouldn’t worry about those that won’t speak to me because I’m overweight and take a chance on those that I think I wouldn’t like. People can say very hateful things. I am not naïve...I know what people that haven’t seen me in awhile or men that I consider friends of mine have said behind my back. It can be very hurtful but it shouldn’t hold any importance in my life. I guess the main goal is to first know that I can survive on my own. I think I can. Don’t get me wrong...I rely heavily on people in my life for support but all in all...I know that I will be OK. I also need to incorporate myself into more places and groups so that I am not seeking men only at church and in bars. That can be very confusing AND limiting. I also will not be confessing my love to any guy any time soon. Every time I have ever put myself out there to a guy...it hasn’t worked out. I would like to be asked out for once. OK- If I don’t stop now I could go on forever.